Sunday, April 15, 2012

A Selfish Moment

If you've read this blog from the beginning of my pregnancy, you know that I've worked very hard to maintain perspective. It's important to me that above all else (my comfort, appearance, or preferences) Clark is healthy. Regardless, I think all women struggle with the how pregnancy wrecks havoc on their bodies. I knew that I would be no exception; I've struggled with my weight and body image for at least the last twenty or so years. When I got pregnant I weighed more than I wanted to, the comfort of marriage caught up to me, and I was already carrying 15 more pounds than I wanted. By medical standards I was considered overweight. According to my books, I was to gain 15-20 pounds during pregnancy. 

I did alright during my first trimester. I gained around 6 pounds. Shortly after, however, the holidays took their toll. At my appointment in January my midwife commented that I seemed to be a little high and that I should watch the sweets; I was just shy of my 20 pound mark. I followed her direction and although I still let myself have the Junior Mints and Tootsie Roll Pops that I craved, I did cut back. At my February appointment, I decided not to look at the scale. (The OBGYN's scale was always higher than mine anyway--no surprise, I usually had appointments at the end of the day.) So, for the past three months I haven't really had a clue about how much I weigh. My midwife referred to herself in one of our early appointments as a "weight Nazi", so I knew that if there was a problem she'd let me know. 

I've felt huge recently and it didn't seem wise to have my first reality check at the hospital while in labor, so this morning, I had to look. I needed to know what I was up against. Would I need to lose 60 pounds, 70 pounds, or oh, my goodness...80 pounds (remember I'm still counting that extra 15-20 that I was carrying when I got pregnant)? With trepidation, I pulled out my trusty scale, blew of the dust, and allowed it to go to zero before stepping on. While I won't tell you the number, I will tell you that I was pleasantly surprised when I realized I've "only" gained 30 pounds! If I gain the 1/2 pound a week that I'm supposed to for the next three weeks, I'll be up about 32 pounds. This, my friends, I can live with. This is doable, and this, makes me feel much less like a failure. I know is a selfish and vain moment--being concerned about losing weight before my son is born, but one of my biggest fears about life postpartum has been not feeling like me. It's nice to see a light at the end of the tunnel and know that I can once again feel comfortable in my own skin--even if it will take a lot of hard work to get there!

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